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Life in the Fast Lane

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“I don’t even have time to pick my nose!”

For a guy saddled with a dominant Taedio Majorius gene, this about left me rolling on the floor.  Who has time to document how much time they get to spend picking their nose?  Are there statistics for this?  Has there been a productivity study documenting just how much time we spend blowing our noses versus just picking them? 

I may not be a very interesting guy to most people, but that doesn’t relegate me to the couch, wasting away the day picking my nose (I tend to pick while on the move, more of a “pick and flick” kind of guy I guess).  I’ve never really stopped to contemplate the time and energy spent (not wasted) on extracting partially-solidified nasal secretions – it’s just a fact of life that sometimes, a good nose picking is just what the doctor ordered (though he’d probably have some disclaimer about disenfecting afterwards to prevent that dreaded germ spread issue).

I’ll be the first to state that it’s socially unacceptable to pointedly and proudly pick your nose for the entire world to share and experience.  There are some things that people just don’t want to know or acknowledge.  However, that shouldn’t force the fact under the table – it happens, whether we like to admit it or not.

So, back to the comment – it actually says a lot about our lives.  If you can’t find the time to relieve your physical suffering and pick your nose, your life must be crazy hectic.  I image the ubermommy flying down the highway, scheduling orthodonsist appointments via cell phone, admonishing kids in the backseat who are bickering, trying to calm a screaming baby who just want the Disney DVD to start playing again, and trying to cut over 3 lanes before she misses the exit for preschool.  If your life is this busy, skip the roses (they usually stink after a short time anyway) and proceed directly to nose picking.  You’ll get more bang and satisfaction for the moment of effort, and it’ll be a relief that will last far longer than the stink of decaying floral arrangements. 

If nothing else, you’ll breathe better, have one less distraction and get to focus more on the things that really matter, like that itch you just noticed on your left butt cheek.  Better wait till you get to the exit to deal with that one.





Compliments, a man’s best friend…

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Or so you’d think.

I don’t recommend laughing so hard you fall out of your chair – the enjoyment only lasts till you hit the floor.  Ever been told you’re the most handsom, caring, loving individual someone’s ever met – now you remember.  It hurts.

My latest compliment left me unhurt, but aware, or maybe just wary.

“That’s got to be the most boring story you’ve told me all day.”

Says it all, don’t you think?  Wow, I’ve outdone myself again.  I mean I strive for perfection every day- it’s who I am, it’s what I do.  But to actually learn that I nearly pulled it off – what a rush.  And the implications are wonderful too – I’d been keeping up the daily quota of interesting stories and commentaries on life well too – this one was the Best of the Best for the day!  Not the only story or fact I’d outlined and expounded up, but the culmination of a day’s worth of effort.  And she’d bothered to notice – a homerun, outta the park, over the wall!

After that, she followed it up with some actual quantifiers:

“You know how there are debate teams?  Well, you’re like a one-man boring team.”

I knew this woman loved me, but damn!  She thinks I have the qualifications of a 4-person debate team, all wrapped up in one superb package.  If hearing a compliement like that doesn’t justify you’re existance, I’m not sure you’re worthy of the appreciation.

Then there was the kicker:

“Only one boring entry per day.  I think you should shut up now.”

Guess that pretty much says it all.





“That’s very interesting…”

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Those three little words pack a punch – you’ve just heard the boring guy clue.  Strike up a conversation with some way cool verbage concerning the price of hogs in South Dakota, and that phrase is bound to show up quick. 

I heard my wife giving my son some tips on how to carry on a polite social conversation.  “You can use a phrase like ‘Thats very interesting – tell me more’ when talking with other people,” she said.  “It’s a polite way to show your interest in a subject that the other person clearly enjoys,” she said.  “It gives the impression that you find what they have to say interesting and important, even if you don’t think the subject is worth wasting a breathe or brainwave on.”

How insightful and considerate of my wife, I thought.  My son has a new skill to help deal with the world around him, and engage in conversations with people he might otherwise avoid.  I pointed this out to my wife later, mentioning some of the other techniques I’ve used over the years that my son might find helpful, if she were to happen to have this conversation with him again.  After about 7 minutes into my observations, she turned to my son, who had come into the room, gave him a funny look, turned back to me, and between points on maintaining eye contact, said to me “That’s very intersting – tell me more.”

I glanced at my watch and said in shock “Wow, look at the time!  I’m gonna be late!”

My son really shouldn’t laugh at other people like that – it’s not polite.  Going to have to have a discussion with him about that.  Later.  Much later.





This was my wife’s idea….

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I’m really not the blogging type, but since I’ve heard my wife comment more than once “Have you posted that on yet, because that’s VERY interesting!”, I thought it might be appropriate to take her advice and share my knowledge with other like-minded folks.

So, check back frequently – I’m sure to have something that’ll either bore you to tears or you’ll find immensely interesting – let me know either way.